In case any of you have had the urge to visit us in Hometown USA…
JUST DON’T DO IT!
We just got back from the doc, and not only do we have 3 nasty gross colds, but we also have 2 cases of conjunctivitis and 1 ear infection. Not bad for a family of four, huh? Too bad they don’t have prizes for “Your Husband is a Dumbass and Brought Home Malaria While Working in the Ghetto, then Didn’t Wash His Hands Enough”. I think we’d win first prize every stinkin’ year.
Actually, more than likely he did a stupid man-thing and wiped his eye on his sleeve (I know, how frickin’ gross is that!!!), then forgot to change his shirt. He works in restoration, which is a fancy way of saying he puts your house back together if it blows up due to fire/flood/smoke/soot/sewage/rain/suicide/homicide, etc. So um, yeah, his clothes come home pretty messed up most days.
For those of you unfamiliar with the joys of conjunctivitis, if you are male, it goes something like this…
- Your eye feels a little more watery than usual
- Said eye begins to feel like there’s a hair stuck in it - wifey says “better go see the doc”
- While mulling over a visit to the doc, the hair begins to feel like Mount Rushmore is behind your eyelid and there is suddenly yellow/green gooey stuff running down your face
- You put off going to the doctor again, and when you wake up, your eye is the size of a baseball and you can’t open it at all because it is sealed shut with yellow/green junk that has turned to concrete
- You pick up the phone to make a doctor’s appointment, then realize that your whole family is now oozing yellow/green gooey junk all over the neighborhood – way to go, dumbass!
Oh crap – make that 3 cases of conjunctivitis – I just noticed my eye is itchy.
Disclaimer: If you are my husband and are reading this – the above comments were made for humorous purposes only and do not represent you.