Husbands & Selective Hearing

I am honestly beginning to believe that once a couple has been married for an amount of time, the husband starts developing selective hearing. I’m not talking about completely not hearing what the wife says…more like hearing what they want to hear – substituting what was actually said with what they want or think they should hear. This condition seems to worsen as time passes, the longer the couple is married.

It is a fact that women are much better listeners than men. It’s been scientifically proven that when a woman talks, the same part of the man’s brain lights up that would also light up if they were listening to a complex concerto, or solving a complicated math problem. It’s actually work for them to listen to us talk. Maybe we should let them claim disability and give them special parking spaces at the supermarket!

I’m sorry – but that’s just not an acceptable excuse for me. If I say, “Let Connor play his video game for an hour, then we’ll feed him”, I should be able to expect that that is what my husband heard. What he really heard was, “Let Connor play his game for an hour, then I’ll give him a bath”. And he got angry with me when I tried to tell him that’s not what I said! What the hell!

And why, if I don’t hear something my husband had said (while screaming it from across the house – at the same time I’m in the same room with a running washing machine), does it mean that I’m ignoring him? Isn’t it common sense that if someone isn’t in the same room as you and you wish to talk to them, that you actually go to the room they are in to talk to them?

I’ve been brainstorming on ways to curb this “selective hearing” disorder…here are some of my ideas:

  • Time-outs – these have been successful with my four-year-old, so what the heck! It’s worth a shot (however it might be more difficult to force him to sit on the bench than it is my son).
  • Electrify all the floors in the house and press the appropriate buttons to “steer” him towards me when he shouts from the other room.
  • Set off a foghorn near his head to knock all the wax out of his ears when he mis-hears what I say (I’ll bet he could supply Ireland with potatoes for over a year with how dirty his ears must be!).
  • Get one of those janitor’s key-rings with a retracting chain strong enough for a cast iron frying pan and just clonk him on the head every time his hearing seems to be acting up.

I’ll let you all know how things work out…in the meantime, I’m off to see about getting an megaphone surgically attached to his head.

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